Sir Simpleton
by Lex of Light
Summary: An average day in Kieran's epic life.


_A/N: This is not to be taken seriously._

_Warning: The author can be rather juvenile.  
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_Notes can be found on my livejournal account. The link can be found on my profile._

Sir Simpleton

There were only two things about his trade that he did not enjoy. The first thing was the obligation to listen to nobles bicker about stuff that were not righteous, and the second thing was paperwork. Kieran disliked-nay! Loathed! He loathed paperwork so very much. He had become a knight for the purpose of embarking on epic journeys and slaying the heathens that dared go against his sweet home of Crimea, not for sitting in a desk doing paper-pusher's job. It was most insulting to both his magnificent person and to his grand skill as a horseman.

Kieran's superior, General Geoffrey, had explained to him that paperwork was just as important as a battle. It was then that Kieran realized that his most beloved superior was having sanity issues. How could paperwork ever be as important as battle? Ludicrous! The red-headed knight wanted to take his superior hunting one day so that he could get some fresh air and get his head straight.

Had Kieran known that he would get so much desk work once he received his promotion, he would have given it a second thought before accepting, but not a third one because he was not a man that enjoyed activities that required reasoning and pondering. Many doubted of his intelligence since he rarely thought, but he was plenty intelligent, he was simply action prone.

At least he had been given a nice office in order to complete the vile, disgusting, and non-honourable desk work. In fact, Kieran considered his workspace to be the absolute best in the entire castle, for not only did it have a desk, it also had a door and a window. Surely he had impressed both Queen Elincia and General Geoffrey for them to have given him such nice things. Sometimes he regarded his office as his personal fortress of justice where he performed great deeds with his pen instead of his axe.

_The pen is mightier than the axe, _Kieran thought poetically. _ What a load of trash. I would need an inhumanly large pen to kill something._

Kieran realized that he needed to take a small walk since his menial desk job was making him think odd thoughts.

Once he was outside his office and in the castle halls, he reaffirmed his love for Crimea and Castle Crimea, for both were the best in all the land. Kieran thought Castle Crimea was the best in all the land for it had a big gate, and the halls were decorated with nice rugs. And his sweet beloved Crimea was certainly the best of all countries for it had villages, people, and horses. And Kieran was so very fond of horses, so how could he not love a country where he could find many of those majestic creatures? It was simply a habit of his to remind himself why he was knight of Crimea, and why he would put up with the not-so-thrilling aspects of his trade.

But wait!

There was also one more aspect about Crimea that was simply far too precious for Kieran to forget about, and it was Crimea's queen herself. Words could not describe just how great Queen Elincia of Crimea was to him. He felt so passionately about serving her that it was almost ecstatic. Why was he so devoted to Queen Elincia? Why would he gladly trade his life for the sake of her reign? Why did she give him purpose? Why oh why did he feel so compelled to grant her every wish and to obey her every command as it was a decree sent by the Goddess herself to the mere mortals of the earthly realm she had created so effortlessly?

Because Duke Renning told him to.

As the mighty Captain Kieran walked the halls of Castle Crimea in hopes of clearing his mind so that he would later resume his never-ending battle with bureaucracy, he ran into quite a few of his nameless soldiers. One of the many perks about being a high-ranking officer was the automatic respect he received from the soldiers under his command, and although he always did enjoy receiving compliments and admiration from his underlings, he could never stand being around them too much for there was something around them that always rubbed him the wrong way a bit. None of them had eyes.

One time he asked one of his soldiers how he could hit his target if he could not see? But General Geoffrey reprimanded him the very moment he mention their lack of visual organs. He said not to bring up the subject again because it would hurt their feelings.

He remembered one particular person the moment he parted with the soldiers.

Oscar!

He came to the conclusion that squinty-eyed dastard must've been mocking him all these years with that squinty expression of his.

Oscar! That was the name of the most cunning, shrewd, and mischievous being Kieran had ever met. For some reason, Oscar was always trying to best him at everything. It was very annoying! But Kieran vowed that he would never allow Oscar to best him at anything – even at trivial stuff like breathing. Kieran would show to Oscar that pure and hard-working knights like himself would always be superior to knights like Oscar who were arrogant about their skill.

That green-haired racketeer had recently rejoined the Crimean Army, which was the cause of much stress in his life. While he was rather friendly to Kieran, Kieran knew he was after his position. He would never allow him to take it from him. He would die before he would allow Oscar to have his nice office with the desk, the door, and the window!

Kieran had successfully done the opposite of what he wanted to accomplish with his walk. While he wanted to clear his mind, – which has never been difficult for him - he managed to plague it with infuriating thoughts about his mastermind of a rival. Thankfully he spotted one of the few people in the castle that he was very fond of. It was the pink-haired and orange-armoured knight known as Sir Makalov. Kieran knew him as Sir Makalov the dutiful.

Even though Kieran knew very little about Sir Makalov, he knew that he was a very hard fellow to find. The red-headed knight had come to the obvious conclusion the Sir Makalov could never be found because he was always performing good deeds all around Crimea as any decent knight should always do. Kieran wished the rest of the soldiers could be as dedicated as Sir Makalov. The second-in-command of the Crimean Knights thought it would be ever so wonderful if knights all around the continent would follow Sir Makalov's example.

Kieran was about to greet Sir Makalov before he heard the screech of a banshee rip through the halls.

"Makalov!" The banshee known as Marcia shouted.

Brave Sir Kieran was nowhere to be found. But he did not run away, for he was not capable of performing such a cowardly action. He had tactically retreated when Marcia was within a hundred feet of his person. Was he afraid of the Marcia? Kieran was not afraid of anything! Including tough pegasi knights like Marcia, who once served under the legendary demon of Begnion. Kieran couldn't quite recall the demon's actual name, although he believed it was Manith.

The reason why Kieran avoided Marcia was because he did not wish to be the object that received her never-ending rage... again. One day, about six months ago, Kieran had complimented Marcia's chivalry and manliness after they had dispatched a group of bandits that terrorized a southern Crimean village. For some ungodly reason, Marcia had been insulted by his flattering comment. She had turned beet red and gave Kieran not one, not two, but twenty-two kicks in his posterior. He could not sit properly for two months after that incident. And while Kieran was literally getting his buttocks kicked on that fateful day, he vowed to avoid Marcia as much as he could.

While dastardly Oscar was his rival, mad Marcia was his tormentor.

It was hard for him to believe that she was related to Sir Makalov.

A group of soldiers gathered around Kieran when he was starting to feel secure.

"Sir Kieran, we need your help," one of them pleaded.

"The nobles have gathered at the meeting room, but we cannot find Queen Elincia or General Geoffrey," another one continued.

"They are getting very impatient. Please, you must meet with them until they arrive," a third soldier finished.

Kieran was outraged at how some childish some of the nobles were. Could they not understand that if the queen of Crimea and the general of the Royal Knights couldn't be found meant that they must be together doing something of the upmost importance to everyone in Crimea? The second-in-command of the Royal Knights nodded to the soldiers, and then headed to meet with the nobles. General Geoffrey had once told him to never get near the nobles, but Kieran was sure that his superior would forgive him this once. Surely his superior would disapprove if he allowed whatever he and the queen were doing to be interrupted.

The crimson-armoured knight felt excited about meeting with the nobles because he hadn't held a personal meeting with them since his promotion – General Geoffrey had said that the very notion was a taboo. He thought that this might be the chance to show them what a competent man leads the armies they fund. Of course, that all changed once he actually met with the fifteen nobles that had gathered around the round table of Castle Crimea's meeting room.

They were all the most immature group of people he had the displeasure of meeting with. And whenever he tried to say something, he was rudely interrupted by one of them. Kieran decided to solve his current issue with the nobles the only way he knew how.

With violence.


End file.
